Bizcuits | Expat Divorce

Leanda Lee

Since the murder of a 5-year-old boy in early October by his expatriate Belgian father battling for child custody in Singapore, expatriate divorce, its causes and consequences, have become topics of extensive media interest there.
Until this year, there had been no academic research published on expatriate divorce. Dr Yvonne McNulty, a well-travelled trailing spouse and fellow expatriate scholar living in Singapore started her work on the topic two years ago. Over 200 global participants have contributed to her research to date but as a taboo topic in many expatriate communities, it is a difficult research nut to crack. Speaking about divorce in some expatriate enclaves can risk ostracism and stigmatization, and opening up to others has potential to bring back very painful memories; some of McNulty’s informants returned to therapy after the interviews realising that they had not dealt with the full gamut of psychological pain that the process provokes.
Divorce is harrowing and heartbreaking even under ordinary circumstances but for expatriates there are unique causes and consequences with devastating long-term effects. Each case differs depending on the host location, jurisdiction of divorce proceedings and custody decisions, and the nationalities of the people involved. Nothing is straight forward; outcomes uncertain.
The issues raised by the expatriates McNulty studied include absence of affordable legal representation, mental health problems, suicide, bankruptcy, homelessness, domestic violence, borderline poverty, economic entrapment, addictions and international child abduction. The consequences are so severe that divorce within expatriate communities is paradoxically at lower rates than among non-expatriates. Due to a particular set of stressors in expatriate lives, stress and unhealthy relationships are said to be more common. Many couples endure because it is tougher to leave.
Not uncommonly, trailing spouses and families are at the mercy of the expatriate breadwinner for access to banking and other services, residency status, work permits, housing, and support networks. The power imbalance that lack of resources and dependency implies for the trailing spouse also impacts upon divorce settlement and custody negotiations. An expatriate family in conflict is often the lesser evil than expatriate divorce.
McNulty found three main causes of marital distress among divorcing expatriates. Expatriate roles in regional centres such as Hong Kong and Singapore typically require frequent travel or long working hours. Long periods of single parenting and loneliness for the spouse left behind take their toll. Expatriate couples most resilient are those who commit to spending time exploring the expatriate journey together.
Secondly, generous expatriate remuneration is less common and many more expatriate couples exist on localised packages. Living in costly cities with expatriate lifestyle expectations can cause financial burdens exacerbated by lack of access to many of the benefits available to the local population such as legal assistance, and health and social services.
Trailing spouses also cite changes that expatriation brings to self-identity. They complain of their role being trivialised within the marriage: they are viewed as ‘just on holiday’; their isolation and lack – at least initially – of social networks are not taken seriously nor supported. These problems trigger behaviours that build marital tension such as nagging and complaining and (at the extreme end) infidelity, addiction and various forms of abuse. Couples that can empathise with, and accept as valid, each other’s responses to their expatriate roles – the tedium and thanklessness of household tasks or the jet-lag and business trips away from family – have a better sense of well-being.
Mental health problems, addiction, workaholism and other core marital issues prior to expatriation can be underlying weaknesses that the expatriate experience hastens towards divorce. Expatriate communities, mostly seen as a source of support, can also create toxic environments which McNulty compares to the group-­think of high-school peer groups: without parents and extended family members offering strong role models to call miscreants to account, big-fish-in-small-­pond egos and egged-on immoral behaviours can abound.
In Macau, cross-border custody and divorce settlement procedures are opaque, especially when complicated by immigration matters. It’s time to remove some of the uncertainties for non-residents. They contribute a sizeable proportion to the workforce and they are human, too.