Jenny Lao-Phillips
According to different books and articles about Asian culture, especially those about doing business in China, saying ‘no’ seems to be one of the hardest things for the Chinese to do. But what exactly makes it so hard for us to say no to an offer or a request? That has often kept me wondering. We are not born incapable of practicing refusal or rejection, so it must be our upbringing. Can we blame it on the Confucian tradition and our collectivist culture? And is it really just a Chinese problem?
It has been observed that as children we were often taught by parents not to reject: “You can’t say no to Grandpa!” or “When Uncle Important asks if you like his present, say YES!” or “When Auntie Big asks you to do something, ALWAYS SAY YES!” Well, that has much to do with our tradition of respect for seniority and filial piety. However, this observation does not just come from Chinese families. I have heard it from Western families too, so respect for seniority may be becoming a more universal tradition. That is probably one of the reasons why we grew up with an invisible chip in our head that makes us say “yes”. For people from my generation, Gen X, in particular, we did not have much education in the way of saying “no” or giving any negative reply in general. This has often resulted in people with overloaded plates of food we don’t even like. I mean this metaphorically and, more than often, quite literally.
We can’t say “no” directly because many of us have been brought up to think that saying “no” to someone more senior than ourselves is rude and disrespectful. On the other hand, saying “no” to someone junior is being unhelpful.
While some people want to be helpful and show respect to everyone, some worry about what others might think if one only says “yes” to superiors but “no” to subordinates. How about those who are at the same level of seniority as ourselves, our friends and acquaintances? Well, saying “no” may cause us to lose one of those. So in the end, we end up either saying “yes” all the time or we just keep beating around the bush until the other person withdraws their invitation or ‘gets the hint’.
However, I must argue that this is really not just a Chinese thing. Though Western culture is more direct, and business people are less roundabout or vague in their answers, saying “no” is also difficult for Westerners.
On the internet, we see more and more websites teaching people to reject requests for our precious time, and the importance of work-life-balance. Isn’t that a clue that Western culture is also suffering from the difficulty of saying “no”? Moreover, when learning about making requests and offers in English classes, we were taught never to just answer “no.” The polite way is to say “I’d love to, but…”
Just Google the phrase “Art of Saying No” and you get a list of sites, articles and books teaching you how to say “no” politely. It usually entails excuses and white lies, of course, that may be better than being vague, but why can’t we just say “no”? Okay, for the many reasons raised about the virtues of respect and politeness – but isn’t honesty a virtue too? Perhaps, just for a change, next time I get an invitation for a drink on a day I don’t feel like going out, I will try being honest and saying, “No, I don’t want to.” But this may be just a bit too big a step. First, I’ll practice saying no to that second serving of pasta, or chocolate and cakes before dinner.
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