Girl About Globe | Perils of the Orient for the Trumps

Linda Kennedy

The Trumps are coming to Asia next month. What a significant trip this could turn out to be.

Let’s look at the issues raised by their itinerary, in no particular order. China. Here’s a thing that might sell communism to the world: the US President can’t tweet. Twitter is blocked. So @realDonaldTrump won’t be able to post a photo at the Great Wall boasting ‘ours will be bigger’.

Other concerns: will he dye his hair black like a leader in China?

Will he refuse to drink multiple toasts at banquets? (Hint, Donald: this could offend your Chinese host).

Meantime, Melania might feel at home amongst mainlanders – finally, people wearing more logos and sequins than her and hubbie! She may even feel feted: some Chinese girls will inevitably take the English name FLOTUS.

The Philippines. Mrs Trump will carry on Air Force One a shoe collection that will rid the nation of the long-lasting stigma of Imelda Marcos. A hashtag will emerge

#MelaniaHasMoreThanImelda

On arrival, expect a tweet from @realDonald Trump:

Presidential motorcade stuck in BIG traffic jam.

And a tweet from (real) FLOTUS:

I am in Melania! Oh, it’s Manila. Can’t see with these new aviator shades from Ladies Street in Beijing, which they renamed First Ladies Street when Peng Liyuan and I went! Need them just in case there’s a flood somewhere. It’s rainy season in Asia, right?  Is this under 280 characters?

Melania should be popular among Filipinas, with their love of big glamour. Will she dress like a Filipina on a night out? Platforms with heels taller than Trump Tower and and hot pants. She got togged up in what seemed like a costume in the Vatican. This is another highly Catholic place with its own unique dressing style.

Humidity, though, will be factor for both the Trumps. It’s oppressive in the Philippines, guaranteed to result in crinkly wide hair, and probably one reason why they don’t have a separate Hong Kong stop on the tour. (You have to wonder where else they tried to squeeze in. Trump surely pushed for a side trip to Macau, to check out the rival casinos, but visiting either special administrative region and therefore giving it status, would likely offend his Chinese host in Beijing far more than rebuffing a Chinese Pinot Noir. )

Vietnam. Hair relief. Wearing one of the elegant conical leaf hats will disguise the head mushroom created by Manila’s weather.

Japan. It was always going to be on the itinerary. Showing support. Sushi diplomacy.

South Korea. For Melania, a little plastic surgery while Donald is speaking to the South Korean president? There must be something left to do and it would be a nice touch from America to help boost South Korean trade. Chinese women will head there and ‘get a Melania’.

And style-wise, will she wear Korean fashion? It’s the Italy of Asia, except for the cut and the fabric.

As for Donald, well, South Korea is Asia’s skincare and cosmetic hub. Will he be persuaded to try skin whitening products when he is there?

And South Korea is where Donald must address the issue everyone seems to think is the main one. North Korea. Here’s hoping the humidity of the South Asian region will by then have suggested new non-nuclear solutions to the problem.

@realDonaldTrump tweet:

My hair is BIG. BAD. It’s given me an idea about Kim Jong Un. We won’t assassinate him. He’s a hair guy. We will just SEND HIM HUMIDITY.

@realDonaldTrump tweet

Forget what I said about fire and fury. We will give him FRIZZ like the world has never seen.