Girl About Globe | Kcals on the quiet

Linda Kennedy

Nutrition information on packaging is to be welcomed.  But I want to know more – like the crunch of my lunch. The din of my dinner. Or the fracas of my snacking.  I want to read: ‘barbecue-flavour crisps –  91 calories and fewer than 91 decibels.’ And I’m about to learn I’m not the only one. 

It’s 8.30pm on my ferry from Central and I’m turning a crisp upside down in my mouth. The top surface is already soggy. The underneath needs to be moistened. This is all in preparation for a socially-acceptable chomp.

I try a bite. The man on the seat in front shifts. I’ve bitten prematurely. I have annoyed him with my crunch.

It’s not just food on ferries. Ever tried to eat an apple on a train? Or in the office? Some food is just too rowdy.

Another night I try a salad on a bed of lentils. Nope, lentils don’t cut it as ferry food either. The salad is quiet but I hiss unsavoury phrases whenever lentils fall onto the seat, which is often. I don’t want to be one of those people who leave tidbits on the upholstery.

Ice cream? A little tub of Manila Mango is surely designed for smooth transfer and a hushed swallow. Uhuh. Logistical challenge. Too many bits: lid, lid covering, spoon. To avoid drips on the seat, and the ruin of any subsequent passenger’s attire, I end up putting everything on the floor, therefore headbutting the seat in front so its occupant is more irked than if I had wirelesly connected my teeth to speakers. (As if I knew how).

Back to crisps. I search for ‘quiet foods’ with my barbecue-flavour, crumby fingers and discover I’ve inadvertently engaged with the ‘gender crisp gap’. There was a recent fuss about ‘silent Doritos’, which were mentioned by the boss of that company and intended to be ‘lady-friendly’, which apparently means low crunch and low mess on your fingers.

Silent Doritos caused havoc on the internet. There were declarations under the hashtag #ladychips that women had the right to crunch and knock back the broken bits at the bottom of the bag. Sure they do. But people probably tweet like they eat crisps and we only heard the loud ones.

#ladychipsquibble. I would have liked those silent crisps. I get it, culture, world and social media. Women are, unfairly, expected to be refined and well-behaved – by others and themselves. Men don’t care about looking bad when they eat, or about annoying their neighbours, because society won’t judge them harshly.

But instead of women claiming the equal right to eat noisily with their mouths open and smear the seats to clean their hands, how about men behaving more like women and eating with better manners? How about everyone going low crunch and low mess? Sometimes things that women do could be considered and included, and not eradicated. Here, I am taking a trip across the choppy seas of Nuance Harbour. Join me.

Anyway, other aspects of culture contribute to eating behaviour. My Britishness makes me a shyer snacker.  And silent food, I grant you, might not take off much in China. Not that eating loudly happens as much as it did, just that any mastication noises are already drowned out by gamers without earbuds.

Meantime, I trust no other CEOs get ideas about modifying refreshments in a bid to appeal to different genders. I don’t want to see Man Cupcakes, which make a loud squelch when you bite. Or be invited to a Gentlemen’s Afternoon Tea, where the cake stand has nine tiers not three.