Linda Kennedy
Have you ended summer with more insect bites than ever before? I have. The current ones, inflicted by mosquitos in Mykonos, Greece, have created topographical issues on my skin which rival Mount Olympus.
Here are my theories about what’s going on.
Theory 1)
Every mosquito in Mykonos is toned, with a sculpted structure and a taut proboscis. They are, consequently, athletic and vigorous.
Evidence:
I mean, come on, you’ve heard of Mykonos, right? Recent celebrity sightings include Lewis Hamilton and Jason Derulo plus an Emirati big shot with a yacht called Radiant which has a water cannon. Mykonos is holibags for the gilded.
And the glorious. Mykonos men walk their dogs bare-chested. They hike wearing nano-shorts. On an average drive to the supermarket, you pass 15 six-packs on display. That’s 90 packs. On one drive.
Body fat is rarely seen; Greece’s economy is getting better, but when it comes to diet, austerity rules.
And it’s not just blokes: women go running in bikinis and trainers. Mykonos may be the only place where Lulu Lemon is shunned.
Such human divinity is what makes me suspect anatomically perfect mosquitos are also here. Perhaps Mykonos’ mosquitos have abdomens toned from crunches, wings with a daily upper-body routine and proboscises made long and flexible from whatever exercise targets that area. Prob-curls? Proboscis Pilates?
Theory 2)
These are hipster mosquitos. Pale Scottish people are their kale.
Evidence:
Mykonos is a resort where Greek meets chic. This is hipster Greece, with a low traditional taverna count. Chances are that the moussaka is artisanal and the kebabs were marinaded in unicorn salted caramel. Single origin coffee is the day drink, swapped, after 5pm, for an ironic Ouzo-tini. Given this, mosquitos might watch their diet – and find they get all their organic nutrients from visitors like me.
Theory 3)
These are Zeus Mozzies, brought in after Greek mythology was extended to mosquitos, following an EU directive requiring diversity of deities across species.
Evidence:
My bites hint these mosquitos are indeed God-like. All powerful. Definitely comparable to Zeus. Plus Zeus could assign portfolios to lesser gods. Has he opened applications for God roles to insects and a mosquito has been appointed as the God of controlling tourism and restoring Greek culture?
Theory 4)
Or, actually, are there just more insects everywhere?
Evidence:
Let’s not forget one of the new emojis unveiled in Unicode 11 was a mosquito. And earlier this year, it was calculated the number of illnesses caused by mosquitoes, ticks and fleas has tripled in the US over the last 13 years. Also, reports say warm weather in the UK has meant more wasps.
There were definitely more insects this year in Scotland, my home country. There, climatologists said midge numbers were higher than usual; ascribing this to spring’s wet start and then early summer’s hot sunshine.
(The midge is a Scottish presentation of a mosquito, smaller, bearing no lethal diseases other than to tourism, which it can kill. They come in squadrons; if Scotland ever becomes a warring nation, its air superiority could not be challenged. The Midge Devils would perform flypasts. The Midgewaffe could blitz London. Aeronautical designers could learn from midge agility in the air and create Boeing 7Midge7.)
As for Asia, I could find no official statistics on insect numbers. But, anecdotally, there was a cockroach in my gym class in Hong Kong earlier in summer. I felt sorry for it. Imagine doing lunges with all those legs. Maybe it’s now on vacation in Mykonos.
Theory 5)
I just read this aloud to my boyfriend. He said: maybe it’s because there’s no wind.
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