Girl About Globe | Stop Umbrella Thief!

Linda Kennedy

How about a new Olympic event? Asian Umbrella Throwing. It would be similar to the javelin, but brollies would be hurled. Skill in this sport could defend Hong Kong and Macau against the Japanese trend of umbrella theft.
Here’s the problem. An umbrella loan scheme was set up on the island of Hokkaido in Japan. Visitors and locals could pick up brollies at stands around town. ‘Return it when you’re done’, said a sign. But around 900 of the 1000 transparent, branded brollies were never seen again. The loan program was put in place as a tourist venture – so some thought the culprits were foreigners. Tourists denied it. Hokkaido remains stumped.
Whoever burgled the brolly stands, think of the consequences if this conduct were to spread. Japan is one of the cool countries of Asia. Their trends are coveted, copied and seen every day here on the streets of Hong Kong and Macau. So, as typhoons threaten and tropical storms are forecast to skirt these shores, it seems right to raise the important issue of pilfering another’s protection against the rain.
Actually having an umbrella when the rain descends is a triumph. Having one, then leaving it at the door of a café, to return and find someone has taken it heralds not just bad hair that day but a frightening future. A future which might hold umbrella locks. Railings to tie your umbrella to. Or waiver agreements that the 7-11 will make you sign to release them from responsibility should your brolly vanish whilst you popped in for a Twix. Or it might lead to more expensive iUmbrellas that have biometric security features which, if no identification is made as the umbrella is erected, trigger an embedded version of Siri to shout ‘Stranger Danger’.
If umbrella theft is rife, what then of law and order? Given the lack of popularity of Hong Kong police, and the association between umbrella and democracy, I can’t see the city setting up a unit called the Umbrella Police anytime soon. Perhaps, then, vigilante groups to tackle with impunity anyone seizing a brolly from outside a shop? Most of the umbrellas in Asia are the long ones, after all. They’re practically spears. ‘Stop umbrella thief! Or I will pierce you!’ It’s here where early signs of promise in Asian Umbrella Throwing could emerge. Sporting scouts would spot a good arm and a long throw, and train up talented girls and boys who might one day turn in an Olympic performance, and ultimately ensure themselves and others medal-winning hair. (Preferably gold, not silver.)
I also note the threat goes wider. As a Brit, I‘m unhappy about potential post-Brexit bi-lateral agreements with Japan. What if this were to open the way for Japanese trends to get taken up in the UK? A precedent for umbrella theft in perennially rainy Britain is something women might go to war over. And who is in charge in the UK, and also Scotland? Exactly. Theresa May and Nicola Sturgeon. Future students may study these times to trace the roots of the notorious ‘Battle of the Brolly’. Women will tell their granddaughters of sodden hair injuries, sustained as trenches – the raincoat kind – inexplicably rarely have hoods. (But we Brits would be no good at Asian Umbrella Throwing. In the UK, people carry shorty umbrellas. Handy as truncheons if the vigilante thing takes off, but with little potential for impressive throws.)
I realize it’s short notice for ‘track and field’ to be expanded into ‘track and field and rain protection’ to include Asian Umbrella Throwing in the Rio Olympics, but next time?