Linda Kennedy
If Estee Lauder were Asian, we would have fragranced insect repellent by now. It might be called ‘Banish’ and packaged in a shimmering ‘atomiseur’. It would have a heady perfume which had been tested for hours on lab insects to attain the precise woody note which repelled them. (Lab insects = ok, right? Surely no insects’ rights groups exist.)
I hereby say forget Chanel ‘Number 5’, we need Chanel ‘Number’s Up’. A fragranced threat to insects.
Alas, no cosmetics’ doyenne has had to face such daily concerns, so the feminine repellent market has not yet developed. But I yearn for bug spray with a charming bouquet. And while you’re at it, perfumed sting crème. Glam balm, thank you ma’am.
I speak these heartfelt words as the victim of a fly this week. I would like to stop to collect your sympathy, but that’s an additional sore point. I started telling this tale to a friend, who merely looked up from Whatsapping to say ‘the victim of a FLY?’
Yes.
In retelling to another friend, I amended the account to suggest I was the target of a sting operation which, when Macau and its casinos are in your environment, gets a lot more attention.
‘A sting operation? What did he looked like?’
‘Small, dark, moved quickly. I didn’t realize what was happening.’
‘How much did he take you for?’
‘A lot of big red ones.’
‘Hundred dollar notes?’
Well, kind of. I was collecting my washing from the hot, humid laundry room in the basement of my building. The operative of the sting operation wasn’t even a mosquito – it was a tiny fly, which just seemed to land for a moment on my legs, but left in its wake four scarlet hillocks, scattered on the front and back thigh. It wasn’t just the itching. Didn’t this fly realize the fashion problems it had caused? No shorts or dresses for a week.
Here one might think women like Coco Chanel had actually been thinking ahead. Always make an effort, French dames say – because you never know who you will meet. I hadn’t put on any bug spray because a) I hate the stench and b) I was just going to get my laundry. Who was I going to bump into? Something that set me aflame, it turned out. Well, my skin at any rate.
There should also be citrus or floral bug spray for one’s apartment, though I am switching companies to task now with sorting this issue. Jo Malone, why not Anti-Invader Ylang-
Ylang Room Spray? Or the same in a scented candle? Because, you see, the fly was not the only leggy assailant of recent days. Just last week, when there was torrential rain in Hong Kong, I woke in the middle of the night, went to the loo, and found a roach on the bathroom sink. Sleepiness vanished and I chased the roach around the apartment with my wellie boot. Dammit, it had been watching the Olympics. It was the Usain Bolt of the bug world. I didn’t catch it.
Anyway, a feminine touch is urgently needed for repelling. So, as South Korean cosmetics companies rise, could they please think more widely than snail masks and whitening cosmetics to other Asian female concerns? A killer eau de toilette, jasmine antihistamine and, also, bite concealer. And I don’t wish to trade aroma for power, so let’s also have an effectiveness rating for insect spray. Factor 50 Legs – guaranteed to protect you from bugs with that many limbs and under.
If anyone wants to crowd-fund development cash, Asia’s women are waiting. Linda Kennedy
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